


Somnus

by KezHasFlowers



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Attempted Murder, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Cheating, College, Coming of Age, Cults, Drunken Confessions, Elementary School, Eloping, F/M, High School, Love/Hate, Middle School, Murder-Suicide, Romance, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Running Away, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Denial, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Insert, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2018-11-01 11:38:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10921041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KezHasFlowers/pseuds/KezHasFlowers
Summary: Watch as Kenny grows up around his dysfunctional friends, family, and lover.A new girl arrives at South Park Elementary School, and Kenny McCormick falls inlove with her, on first sight.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> -Warning-  
> This Fanfiction contains harsh themes such as: coarse language, suicidal thoughts, sexual themes, abusive relationship(s), blood, self-harm.... etc. Read with these warnings in mind. Thank you, I hope you enjoy the story.  
> -Author's notes-  
> This Fanfiction is a Boy/Girl relationship – but since I hate having to put (y/n) all the time because it looks untidy, so I'll have a poll about which nickname the reader shall bear. Just because the fanfiction is a Boy/Girl relationship, it does not mean that I am in any way homophobic. It just so happened that I made this story with a female character in mind. The story only has Kenny's point of view of everything happening around him, maybe in one point of the story, someone else will have the point of view.  
> -Disclaimer-  
> This Fanfiction has references and is slightly inspired by the Manga "Oyasumi Punpun", and I have no ownership of said Manga. All references are rightfully credited to the author of said Manga. Thank you very much.  
> This Fanfiction contains South Park characters, they all belong to Matt Stone and Trey Parker, not me. Thank you very much

            I died again, yesterday. Every time I get resurrected, I don´t dream at all. It´s just dark, and I don´t feel anything at all. For a while, it really feels like I am dead. And then, I wake up – completely tired, more exhausted and more apathetic than yesterday. Learning to cope with this messed up joke is getting more and more exhausting, sometimes, I really do just want to die. But I know I can´t. I´ll just be left alone, forever.

As I lie alone in the darkness of my asleep mind, I felt all comfort running away from my body, as I hear my Mom´s nagging from afar the darkness. “It´s time to wake up Kenny.” She whispered, so I did.

            Opening your eyes after being in darkness for so long does something to you. Even though it doesn´t hurt or anything, it just makes you more and more used to the fact that in the darkness that is death; you´re alone. Nobody, no matter how much you walk that never-ending path of darkness. At first, I was scared. But then, as I died again and again, I got used to it. This sick joke.

            “Kenny, stand up now, honey. You´ll be late.” Mom slightly shook my small frame, and I stood up. Even without looking at her, I knew, she was intoxicated. Just by hearing her, smelling her, I knew, she was intoxicated. “(It´s so early in the morning and she´s drunk.)” I thought, and scoffed at myself and started walking away from her, despite Mom´s protest and threats. “Kenny, I swear to God if you don´t walk back here this instant I will call your dead-beat Father!” Mom shouted, I couldn´t really care less, and continued walking away from her. I mean, what could Dad do anyway? _Kill me_?

            I walked out of my room and entered the living room, Karen was there, sitting in the sofa. “Big Brother, good morning!” she said while smiling. I nodded and smiled at her. Karen shouldn´t live in this place, with these living circumstances. I always try to be a good brother to her… but sometimes I think it´s not enough. I need to work harder to get Karen away from this place. Away from our alcoholic parents.

            I opened the door to the shower, and stared at myself on the mirror. And I choked a little. I haven’t sustained a single scratch from the last time I died. It feels disgusting. Carefully, I unzipped my orange parka, and slid off my orange trousers, until all that was left was by stitched up and patched up old and worn out boxers. I stared at myself even more. Now, don´t get me wrong, I don´t like my figure, in fact, I can say I almost hate my figure more than anything. I have a malnourished and scrawny figure, I don´t even need to stretch so that people could see my ribs. It´s repulsive, really. And my hair, is probably the only thing I can ever be proud of. Even though it could´ve been better. Dirty blonde and unruly, a lot of strands point into all sorts of directions, its uncontrollable. I just keep it under my hood anyway. My eyes are not any better anyway, blue… so undeniably normal.

            Sighing, I took off the remainder of my clothing and jumped into the shower. Even though there’s only 15 minutes left until I should be in the bus stop to go to school. I honestly could care less. I can just say I have a haemorrhoid. After showering for 15 minutes, the hot bath water calming me down, only to be cold after 5 minutes of having hot water, and the remainder cold. It´s sad, but expected. We´re not the richest people in South Park after all.

            After stepping out of the shower, I shook my head and a spring of water started splashing everywhere, and I took out my towel from the drawer and dried myself. Looking at my damp hair, I sighed. “(Now my hair will definitely be messy.)” Sighing, I walked out of the bathroom with a new pair of boxers (they´re not new at all), and my same orange parka and orange trousers. The same as I wore yesterday, and the day before that.

            I stepped out of the bathroom, hood down and walked to the other side of the living room, where the front door was. But before I could open the door to walk out, Dad talked to me. “Kenny, why did you ignore your mother?” he asked, with a stern and drunk voice. “I had to take a shower because I didn´t want to arrive to school smelly.” I answered, obviously, a lie. “I see. Well you already missed your bus, Kenny. I´ll drive you to school.”

            Even though my dad was obviously tipsy, I have never died in a car crash with him before. He´s always been careful driving his truck, it costed him a fortune. I turned the knob on the front door and put on my hood, and grabbed the strings to make the hood tight around my face. I walked out of the house, into the dirty porch and opened the truck and hopped in.

            Soon after hopping in the front seat of the car, my Dad jumped in soon after. He obviously had to fiddle around his denim jacket to find his car keys, but he found it in the end. Soon after finding them, he started the car and drove off.

            As I looked outside the car window, I looked at my digital clock on my phone. 7:45AM. 15 minutes until class start. 15 minutes until I start at 5th grade. 15 minutes, until I meet her.


	2. Hormones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Warning-  
> This Fanfiction contains harsh themes such as: coarse language, suicidal thoughts, sexual themes, abusive relationship(s), blood, self-harm.... etc. Read with these warnings in mind. Thank you, I hope you enjoy the story.  
> -Author's notes-  
> This Fanfiction is a Boy/Girl relationship – but since I hate having to put (y/n) all the time because it looks untidy, so I'll have a poll about which nickname the reader shall bear. Just because the fanfiction is a Boy/Girl relationship, it does not mean that I am in any way homophobic. It just so happened that I made this story with a female character in mind. The story only has Kenny's point of view of everything happening around him, maybe in one point of the story, someone else will have the point of view.  
> -Disclaimer-  
> This Fanfiction has references and is slightly inspired by the Manga "Oyasumi Punpun", and I have no ownership of said Manga. All references are rightfully credited to the author of said Manga. Thank you very much.

I hopped out of the car and I slammed the truck door. “Have a good first day of school Kenny!” I heard my Dad shout. Soon after, I just heard his tire wheels’ screech and drove away. I looked at my clock, 7:55AM, 5 minutes before class starts. I pick up my pace a little, and opened the door to South Park Elementary School. I hurried up my pace and as soon as I noticed the red puffball, I turned my heel and walked towards it.

            “Hey Kenny! Why weren´t you at the bus stop?” asked Stan. My friend, he is the one who wears his hat with a red puffball. “Yeah Kenny, we thought you were going to skip the first day of 5th grade out of all things!” my ginger friend said. His name is Kyle, and he´s Jewish. I nodded, I don´t really talk a lot. “Hey, you guuuys, I heard that there’s a new student joining us for 5th grade today!” Cartman said with a slight mischievous grin. As the other boys formed their surprise faces, I continued having my poker face, as surprised as I was, I knew that this new person would not stay at South Park for long.

            There´s a lot of atrocities happening in this tiny mountain town. Many, can´t really handle the events that happened in this town. The classroom door opened, and I walked over the class seating arrangement chart. I stared at it for a while. And I sat at the 3rd row from the chalkboard, 2 seats away from the window. As I walked away from the chart, everyone else started to flock around it. While walking to my seat, I refused to look at who was going to sit beside me, because I wanted it to be a surprise.

           

As I slid my green backpack off, I casually sat down on my assigned seat. And now, I am just waiting for the teacher to start the lesson. Currently, there was an empty seat right beside me, and even in the arrangement chart, it said I was going to sit alone. Not that I mind, in fact I like it like this.

            Mr. Garrison turned out to be our homeroom teacher again, and he started the class with sending us our time tables for the following semester. Even though all the whispers revolved around Cartman being a liar for telling everyone that there was going to be a New Student in the school.

            As I continued to look out of the window, beside the empty seat beside me. PC Principal came in. Along with a new face. “ _So_ , we have a new student.” He said with a stern voice. And soon after entering the classroom, the new girl, entered the tightly packed classroom.

            “Hello… my name is- I´m from a faraway town.” She whispered, with not much confidence in her voice, but smiled nevertheless. In an instant, I was captured. Awed. I was in love, in a second. In a heartbeat. I was fucking sold. The way her hair swayed in the slight breeze because of the open window, or the way her eyes inspected the boring mundane classroom. I loved everything single bit of her. Even though what I knew about her was her hair colour, her eye colour. And her name. Exotic, but fine. Fitting, for somebody like her.

            “New Girl, why not sit over there, right beside the boy with the orange hood?” Mr. Garrison whispered and pointed to the empty seat beside me. I could feel my heart beating with every step that she takes. The closer she was to me; the more restless I get. It´s an…. Surprisingly exhausting feeling. I could just feel my fucking palms sweating, and for sure, I could not take my eyes off her.

            “Hello...” The New Girl said with a gentle smile, in her soft hushed tone. I could only look at her face in awe, and nod. I could not do anything but admire the 2 seconds of eye contact that she and I shared. I wonder, if anyone could feel what my feelings are now? I sure fucking hope not.

            Class started, and the only thing I could do was stare at her face. I… admired her so much. The way she places chunks of her hair behind her ear, and some hair falls back anyway – or the way she slightly bites the top of her mechanical pencil – or the way she draws silly figures on her notebook after taking some notes – or the way she spaces out to look outside the window, to the world outside.

            “McCormick!” I quickly turned my head to the direction of the sound – or rather, shout. And I saw Mr. Garrison right in front of my desk. Arms crossed, and a sour look on his face. I could feel him staring down at me, and his anger increasing by the minute. Despite that, I can help but hear the silent laughs and giggles that roared across the classroom.

            “I see that you can´t help but admire the New Girl over here, but for Christ´s sake, pay attention to class Kenny!” Mr. Garrison barked. “I´m not staring at her!” I barked back, but obviously, it sounded muffled to him. “Gay Bitch.” I whispered under my breath, and I stifled a laugh under my hood. And almost as if they followed suit, I heard my 4 friends laugh, quietly. I´d be lying if I said I wasn´t embarrassed, but when I looked her way after being scolded by Mr. Garrison – I saw something, I could never forget. The way she looked at me, with a slight blush on her cheeks. I wonder, if she also feels the same way? Or maybe… she’s just embarrassed over the fact that Mr. Garrison scolded me for staring at her, thus drawing attention to her.

            After staring at her for a couple more minutes, I figured she might´ve felt so weirder out because of it, because after all, I am staring at her. Quite intensely too. So, I looked away, but even then, in the corner of my eye, I could still see her. Fiddling with her eraser.

 

…

 

Class ended, and it was lunch time. I would love to stare at her more, but I knew I shouldn´t tell anybody about this small crush that I have on her… I should just walk away as soon as possible. And I did. I paced up to the door, like any other 5th grader would.

            “Kenny! Wait up!” a familiar voice shouted from behind. I was about to turn the knob of the door, but I stopped and looked behind me. It was Butters.

            “Kenny, do you want to eat together in lunch time?” Butters said, with a small smile on his face.  But right before I could say yes, Cartman butted in. “Fuck off Butters! Kenny is going to eat with us,” Cartman shouted. “Oh, I didn´t know. I´m sorry.” Butters said, obviously apologetic about the whole ordeal. “Butters can still sit with us though.” I added, and Cartman stopped his heckling, and instead looked at me with his “Not this again” face.

            “Ugh, fine. As long as Butters don´t annoy the shit out of me!” he pointed at Butters angrily. I only chuckled, and pat Butters in the back. Urging him to walk with us to the cafeteria. “Thanks, Kenny. I knew I could count on you.” Butters said with his usual grateful voice.

            While walking to the cafeteria, I couldn´t help but think about The New Girl. I wonder, if she’s made any friends by now? Even though lunch break started a few minutes ago. “Cartman! Butters! Kenny! Over here!” I heard Kyle shout, after a few minutes of looking where he was, I found him waving his hand around. We walked towards them.

            Immediately after finding the table we were supposed to sit on, I slammed my head on the table, and let it stay there. “Woah! Kenny! Is something the matter?” Stan and Butters asked simultaneously. “Nothing, just want to sleep. I didn´t get to sleep.” I muttered. “Hahaha, Kenny doesn´t have lunch, that’s why he’s just going to sleep away the hunger!” Cartman heckled. I shrugged. I want to see where The New Girl is.

            “Oh look, the New Girl is sitting with Craig and co.” Stan said, nonchalantly, with a slight hint of surprise in his voice. “Oh wow, does the New Girl know Craig or something? They seem pretty close.” Kyle added. Almost immediately, I snapped my head up to look where Craig was. “What the- Jesus Christ Kenny! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You spilled my chocolate milk!” Cartman screamed. I just ignored his complaints and threats and continued to look for where Craig is. “If you’re looking for Craig he’s over there, in that table.” Stan pointed, and I looked. Oh, fuck dude.

            Sure enough, The New Girl was with Craig. Laughing too. Damn it. I hate this already… After confirming that she´s with Craig. I immediately kept banging my head on the lunch table. Repeatedly. “Kenny, what the fuck dude?” Kyle cursed, holding his drink on his hands, in fear of it spilling. “Kenny, can you tell us what´s wrong?” Butters asked nicely. “I´M FUCKING HUNGRY, FOR FUCKS SAKE!”


	3. Amore

 

            It´s raining outside today, kind of weird. It´s been warm, and yet the snow is still present. It´s the last period before we get to go home from school. And I´m still staring at her. The New Girl.

            As creepy as it may be, I cannot do anything to change what’s obvious, even though I do not want to admit it. I… I don’t even know her! What is it with her that I like so fucking much? Probably her looks… wow, how pathetic am I? I’m a sorry excuse for a human being, a horny little 5th grader. Hahaha, like The New Girl can like somebody like me. I can only fucking wish.

            While fiddling with my pen, I stopped looking at her. Its only day 1, and I already gave up on trying to pursue my dreams. My dreams of being with her. I’m probably too poor for her anyway, too ugly for her anyway, too plain. I’m not like Craig… Bonk. What? A piece of crumpled paper was thrown at my head. I looked up at the direction it came from. It came from The New Girl. “What the…?” I asked, excited. Damn it. “Huh?” she questioned, probably didn’t understand me because of my hood muffling up my voice. I tugged at my hood to loosen it up a little. “I said, what is it?” I questioned, in a stern voice. Maybe I should have asked it in a nicer fucking tone. God fucking damn it, why do I keep fucking up?

            “KENNETH McCORMICK! I SWEAR TO GOD!” came a huge scream out of Mr. Garrison. I snapped my head at his direction with an apologetic snarky-smile plastered on my face. “What is it, Mrs. Garrison?” I said, sarcastically. “Kenneth! Why is it that every time I ask you a damn question you always have your hood covering your god forsaken mouth? But this one time I did ask you a question, I was so relieved when I saw you loosen it up, but only for you to completely ignore my question and talk to Ms. New Girl over here!” Mr. Garrison sighed. “Maybe this sitting arrangement wasn’t good after all...” he continued.

            “It’s my fault Mr. Garrison. I threw a ball of paper at him because I wanted to ask him a question,” The New Girl added. Suddenly. Okay, now I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t pleasantly surprised, but I was. In a good way… she’s defending me.

            “Oh? So, what did you want to ask this young gentleman? The question is probably so important! Enough to bother my class!” he barked. “I wanted to ask him what his name was,” she said, nonchalantly. And the bell rang.

 

…

 

lol. Class ended. And I’m on the hallway, furiously banging my head on my locker. “Kenny, you’re so weird today. Did something happen? You can tell me.” Butters questioned, nicely. “Quit asking, Butters, we tried earlier today. Kenny just won’t budge, if he won’t tell us, then he sure as hell won’t tell you.” Cartman said arrogantly. “Oh, I see.” Butters responded. To be honest, I would’ve told Butters before anybody else about this crush of mine, but to be honest, it would just be embarrassing.

            I tugged on Butters jacket, urging him to start walking with me home, because I don’t want to take the bus. Because Craig is there. “Oh, okay. See you, Cartman, you guys!” Butters and I walked away.

            While walking away from my friends, I didn’t even bother looking up to see wave their goodbyes. I was not in the mood. It was only day 1 of me crushing on The New Girl, and I already fucking failed. What else is there to do? I don’t really know. I started to walk away in shame. Suddenly, my body bumped into something, and a small squeak came out of a girl. “Woah!” the voice shouted, me, still looking down, looked up to see who I bumped into. It was The New Girl. “Oh, I’m sorry…” I spat out, in a gentle tone. “It’s fine,” she muttered, and started walking away. I sighed, things have been awkward thanks to Mr. Garrison, and me being a jackass. Suddenly, she stopped at her tracks and I bumped into her backpack. “Uh, excuse me?” I asked, muffled. “Do you want to walk home with me?” she asked, politely, smiling. God, how much do I like that smile?!

            “Sorry, Butters. I think you have to walk home alone today.” I remarked. He was about to say something, probably going to ask me why. But he caught on what I meant. On what I feel. And he smiled, and patted me in the back and smiled even more, “I see. Well, have a good day Kenny!” he beamed as and he walked towards the bus stop, seeing as he doesn’t have a reason to walk home anymore. “Well, shall we go?” she asked. “Yeah, lets.” And we started walking out of the school corridor.

 

            It was a busy day, and I was walking home with The New Girl. Since getting out of the school doors of South Park Elementary school, we haven’t said a word to each other, it was just quiet between me and her. I didn’t really want to say anything. I’m too… I’m nervous, that she’ll have a bad impression of me if I just talked. I mean, I am a nasty person, I have a dirty mouth, I occasionally have mice shit on my pants, and I smell of alcohol. What else? Oh yeah, I’m dirt poor. Disgusting, right? Nobody really likes me as a guy, because nobody likes the smelly me. Since my looks are bad enough, my personality must be trash too… unlike Craig.

            “Where do you live, Kenny?” she questioned, rather suddenly. Even though we don’t know each other well, we are already on our way to take a small detour to Tweak Bro’s Coffee Shop, even though we’re like, 11 years old. “I live at the edge of South Park.” I said as a matter-of-factly. It’s not something to be proud about even. The edge of South Park…. Pass the train tracks. The place where hobos live. Hahaha, how disgusting. Soon after, the rain started getting harsh, and we started to run to Tweak Bro’s Coffee.

 

            When we arrived, and opened the doors to the coffee shop, I looked around for a place to sit down on, a sit for two. “Kenny, there are seats over there.” The New Girl pointed. And we started making our way to the seats at the end of the store, beside the windows. When we got there, we placed our bags down at the edge of the seats. And after setting down our backpacks, she started getting up, probably to go and order something. “You’re not getting anything, Kenny?” she asked. “No, I don’t have any money.” If I had, I wouldn’t make you pay for anything.

            “I see, then I’ll get you something, what do you want?” she said, nicely. “I don’t need anything.” I said, quite sternly. I don’t like it when people pay for me… it makes it seem like they pity me. I don’t like being pitied. I’d rather work for my money. “Don’t say that, I’ll get you something ok? If you really don’t want anything, I’ll just get you the same as what I have.” She said her piece and left, without knowing what I was about to say. She walked to the counter, and started talking to Tweak’s Dad.

            Suddenly, I felt a pat on my back. It was Tweek. “Hello, Kenny!” he said, with slight jittering in his voice. “Sup,” I replied, casually. Trying to hide my excitement of being with The New Girl afterschool. I’m happy that she’s with me and not Craig. I can feel my jealousy going away. “W-What are y-you d-doing here K-K-Kenny? You a-aren’t usually here b-by y-y-yourself.” He said while trying to contain his spasms. “I’m here with The New Girl,” I said, with a grin on my face. After those words left my mouth, he looked at me like I said something I shouldn’t have, like, he was offended. “T-t-t-the New Girl?” he whispered. “Yeah?” I said, with a bit of curiosity on my face. “O-O-Oh! Just don’t let C-C-Craig k-know o-okay?!” he said, shouting. I nodded.

            Why did Tweek say that? That’s just suspicious… does Craig like The New Girl or something? Well, too bad for him. Because The New Girl is mine… hahaha, who am I kidding? Of course, she isn’t even fucking mine. Even right now she isn’t. she might be Craig’s. Maybe that’s fine. What’s the point anyway? I’m not in any fucking way capable of competing with Craig. Craig is just... way better than me. He’s rich, he doesn’t smell, he always has warm water, and he can be whatever he wants to be! He’s just… suitable. “Sorry, did I make you wait?” she beamed. “I need to go soon, though.” I whispered. I dare not look at her in the eye. I don’t… want to be trapped. “Oh… already? We’ve only been here for 10 minutes though...” clearly disappointed. “Well, sorry. Maybe you can ask Craig out or something. I’m sure he can pay back for me, lol.” I said, smiling. “Well, I’ll see you, The New Girl.” I stood up, and started walking away from her. I had my own small walk of shame to the exit. I just left The New Girl there, with two Frappuccino’s on hand. Just staring at me, as I walk away.

            Suddenly, while looking away, I heard a dunk on the table and some fast footsteps coming my way. “P-Please! Wait!” Suddenly, she grabbed the edge of my parka, by my waist. “Please! Wait! She shouted, loudly. I typically don’t know what to do in situations like these. “W-What is it?” I croaked. I’m obviously nervous, I don’t really know what to do, really. It’s a completely new thing for me, I’m just lost. “Please, sit down with me again. I don’t really have a lot of friends since moving to South Park,” she said hastily. “I thought that since you were my seat mate, I should be good f-friends with you, right?” clearly panicking. I somehow found that side to her undeniably cute as well. “Why me out of all people? You know Craig and co., and they’re probably way more entertaining than I am. I smell. Literally. I promise, I swear even,” To be honest. I think I’ve changed. I used to be more flirtatious, I loved flirting and trying to get laid despite my age. But that was a year ago, and I can’t help but feel empty. How many times has it been? How many… times have I died? Every time I found some form of love, I always get killed off by something or someone. In the end, I felt as if I was just growing colder each time my blood dripped off my body, gradually, I came to accept it. I came to accept the fact that every time I am loved back, they will just disappear after I inevitably die. They’ll forget me. Just like everyone else. But I don’t mind anymore… I don’t. I find solace that I won’t ever die. That I’ll… just be alone, and watch the whole world burn.

            Enough of that. I’m sick of that kind of talk.

 

            “I know that I have Craig and his friends! But it’s awkward for me to keep sticking to him you know?” she said, with a slight blush on her face. I fucking hate this bullshit fucking feeling, I wish it would just fucking fuck off. I don't fucking need it in my fucking life anyway. What's the fucking point even? Pfft. Pathetic, McCormick.


	4. Suicide is pretty badass.

I just stared at her, because I don’t really know what else to do. I just look, and stare at her deep coloured eyes. I don’t really know what I’m expecting… nor do I hope to expect what I think I should expect. So, I just waited for her response.

            “Craig’s little sister is my fan.” She said, with an embarrassed flushed look in her face.

            “Your what now?” I asked, my voice sounding more and more stern the longer I talked.

            “I said… Craig’s little sister is my fan!” She croaked as loudly as she could.

I am currently in a state of disbelief, because for one thing I understand that she would be idolized, I mean, every time I look at her she always dazzles. And this is the first day I’ve known her. But to the point where some kids are her fans?

            “Wait, don’t you, uh, know me?” she questioned, with a worried tone.

Honestly, if she was every other person, I would’ve found her to be arrogant, but the way she asked me about it sounded so genuine to the point of being scared that she sounded arrogant, but that question just raised more questions in my head. I never answered, I just stared at her.

            “I’m nobody special really,” she added.

I don’t really know how to answer that question – because I don’t have any. I don’t really want to seem like an asshole. But I…

            “No, I don’t know you… But I do know that you’re the girl that transferred today.” I answered with confidence, but if you listened carefully, you probably fucking heard the slight tone shift mid-way.

            “Oh… I see,” She looked down, not sad, if anything… she looked relieved.

I don’t really want to be the type that suddenly leaves people out of nowhere, because being ditched… forgotten… is something I know too well. Replaced…

But the more I stay here, the more I fear that I will disappoint her. I don’t want to… I’m already a failure of a human being, I don’t want to seem more pitiable than I already am. I start sweating, thinking of how to say goodbye. And disconnect myself with her.

            “I’m sorry, but I have to leave now.”

I stood up, did not look at her face and left the store. I walked straight, I never looked back. The Frappuccino’s have probably melted by now anyway.

 

I stare at the door in front of me. Waiting for somebody to open it. I’m in front of Kyle’s house, waiting for him to open the door. Everyone agreed to meet up at his house today after school to play some video games, though I originally not planned on going- because I wanted to be alone… I changed my mind while running away from Tweek Bro’s Coffee.

I’m still waiting, and I’m certain a couple of minutes have passed. I grow more and more impatient as the time ticks.

I started banging on the door while spamming the doorbell, I knew Mr. and Mrs. Brofolvski won’t be home at this hour, so I just went ham on the fucking door. I stopped when I heard a loud groan, and some loud steps.

            “Who the fuck is it?” Kyle groaned, looking exhausted.

            “Boo. It’s me.” I said in a sarcastic note, muffled, of course.

            “What the fuck? I thought you said you weren’t coming today!” Kyle nagged.

            “So? I don’t really see the problem. Unless of course, you don’t want me here.” I grinned.

            “Ugh, fine.” He said, with a tone that sounded like he gave up.

I let myself in of his warm Jewish house. I slightly opened my parka, not all the way, but enough to let my neck breathe. After all, I’m not wearing any sort of t-shirt underneath.

I climbed up the stairs, with Kyle right behind me, looking all angry. I know he isn’t angry at me, but at Cartman, who is also here today. Kyle is almost never angry at anybody else but Cartman. Cartman is lucky in his own way, you’d think.

Just outside his room, I could hear Cartman being angry and Stan being all cynical about the video game. I also hear Butters’ faint laugh. I twisted the knob and opened the door, and I was welcomed with their “What the fuck are you doing here, Kenny?” except for Butters’, he’s always happy to see me.

            “What?” I barked, my friendly behaviour took a rough end when Kyle let me inside his house. They picked up on my sour mood.

            “Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? You’re worse than my sister when she’s on her fucking period, Kenny.” Stan said in a mocking tone.

            “I guess you didn’t hear me fucking say ‘I don’t fucking know’ the whole day today, huh?” I answered back, with a mocking tone.

            “Well, you did say that you were not coming today dipshit.” He answered back, with a cocky smile forming, as I observed I felt my lips twitch into a snarky smile.

            “What, dude, did you miss me or something? How sweet of you.” I chuckled.

            “Oh dude, stop being so gay already. I only hear shit coming out from you, so, now, you better tell us what the fuck is wrong with you. First, you ditch us. And now, you’re here being a little bitch.” Stan’s tone grew more and more agitated the more he talked, and I picked up on his slight hostility. A part of me, really just ought to scream at them, for not understanding – to just forget about it, like they always do. But I didn’t.

            “Give me a fucking break, Stan. I don’t want to fucking talk about it. So, are we going to play Smash Brothers or not?” I barked while pushing Cartman’s fat ass away from the sofa. I sat down, grabbed a control and was ready to play, when all of a sudden Kyle switched the output source of the TV.

            “What the fuck, Kyle? I just sat down.” I said, agitated.

            “Just wait a sec will you, I’ve heard rumours about the new girl being a famous model or something.” Kyle said, focusing on the commercial in front of him. I was too shocked to act on what he said, that I never even processed what he just said.

            “Wait what, that New Girl is a model? What is she doing here at South Park then?” Stan asked, surprise written all over his face. I mean, who could blame him? Who would’ve though? Wait… There was no way for me to know because I barely have watch TV… We can’t afford cable-TV for all that long. And the TV is always being camped by either my Dad or Karen.

            “She must be amazing! She’s a model even though she’s at our age, it really gives your perspective about our differences huh!” Butters’ added, enjoying the fact that he can boast to his parents about going to school with a well-known model.

We all looked at the TV when the commercial started, it was just the New Girl opening her beautiful eyes… No matter how much I stare at her, I can’t seem to take my eyes off of her. Her beautiful eyes, their shape, the colour… I want to…

            “The New Girl sure is beautiful huh?” Stan said nonchalantly. Kyle was obviously surprised by the sudden confession, as he jumped a little off the sofa.

            “W-what, you think so?” He asked shyly. It was weird enough to see Kyle like this. I don’t really like it like this.

            “In the first place, Kahl, how the fuck did you know that there’s going to be a commercial about the New Girl today? Are you gay for her or something? Stupid Jew.” Barked Cartman, he was obviously sick of this topic already, as he was already fiddling with his controller.

            “Wha- I just heard it from Wendy’s friends when I was walking past them in the hallway!” Kyle added in his defence.

If I was completely honest- rather, if I was the same person I was last year, I would’ve shamelessly asked Kyle to clip the whole commercial for me, but after discovering that I am not really a desirable guy, I gave up. All this, thinking about all this was making me feel uncomfortable. I just want to leave, knowing that one of my friends might be interested in the same person as I am. Why me? My luck just fucking sucks. I can’t commit suicide, I look ugly, I have no talents – what the fuck? Why am I even born, why… Me?

            “I think I’ll be leaving now. I’m bored.” I said nonchalantly as I could. I should never display any of my feelings to any of them. I can’t afford anything anymore. Quite literally.

            “But Kenny, you haven’t even played a round of Smash with us yet,” asked Butters’ innocently with a smile.

            “But I don’t see Smash on the TV screen. It’s just the New Girl who isn’t even all that hot.” I quipped.

            “Stop pretending that you’re not interested. The whole class saw you staring at her.” Stan said, with a snarky smile.

            “Yeah! That’s true, ever since then, you’ve been pretty cranky, Kenny.” Cartman added.

            “It’s none of your business! I was just looking at the new posters on the wall.” I lied.

            “Well, I guess. I mean, you still can’t get over your crush over Millie Larsen, can’t you?” Added Kyle, with a relieved tone. Ah… Millie Larsen, I just remember my 4th grade self, being so fascinated with her. She was just pretty, nothing else really. But I guess I can make her as my scapegoat.

            “Yeah, I still do think that Millie is still prettier than that New Girl.” I said arrogantly.

There was silence, and silence ate the whole room. I was fiddling with the controller, while staring at the TV screen, carefully watching the commercial. At the corner of my eye, I can see Butters’ looking worried, because he knew my true feelings- and he knew what I was saying was a big fat lie. I couldn’t look back at him. I just stared at the beautiful thing that was in front of me.

The commercial was just her, smiling while drinking a Coca-Cola. The commercial ended with her smiling while placing the beverage beside her face, with her pretty eyes smiling at the camera… which gives me hope, because when she looks at the camera, it looks like she’s looking at me. And only me.

I fiddled around a bit more after the commercial before standing up, and zipping my parka the whole way up. I looked out of the window, and saw the sun setting. I looked down, and saw my toe poking out of a hole of my sock.

            “Yeesh, Kenny. You really need new socks, dude.” Stan added. While staring at me.

            “Give me socks, faggot.” I taunted, with a smile. I started biting on my lower lip, until it started bleeding, and it dripped down to the floor.

            “Hey! Stop that! Blood isn’t easy to remove!” Kyle bitched.

Hahaha, tell me about it? Blood, being easy to remove. Right. Right. Calm down. I only did this to fuck around with him, besides it doesn’t matter. But I do feel kind of lazy to walk home, maybe I should commit suicide on the way home.

I started walking out of the room, biting in my lip so bad it was practically hanging off. They’re all panicking, wondering if I’m alright. I stumble my way to the stairs only to fall down, I made sure that I snapped my neck on the way down. Now, I’ll be home in a heartbeat.

            “KENNY! WHAT THE FUCK!” were the last words I heard from that day.


	5. Reawaken

 And so, here we are. I am back again, in eternal darkness. It’s cold, but comforting. I don’t know what to do… I committed suicide, again. All because I know I won’t really die, and committing suicide means that I’ll be home faster. So here I am, just waiting to wake up.

            “Kenny…” oh, there’s my wakeup call!

            “Kenny!” I hear my mom’s voice become clearer and clearer. I understood that this is the signal that it’s time to wake up. When I did, I just think about just how numb I am to the pain of dying. So much so that I am willing to commit suicide just so that I can get myself home faster. But I am not going to die, when it comes to this, my ability of immortality does seem kind of peachy. Being able to transport, just as long as my death is quick and fast.

            “Yeah, yeah, I’m awake.” I groaned. I stood up as quick as I could to avoid conversation. I don’t want to talk to any of my family members in the morning. Except for Karen.

I walked out of my room, and I sat down in the sofa, with only my worn out and patched boxers. I stared at the TV. Then I saw Karen walk out of her room, with the Doll I got for her last year. I smiled lightly, nostalgia.

            “Kenny! Good morning!” She ran to me, and gave me a hug.

            “Good morning, Karen. Did you have a good night’s sleep?” I asked, while patting her head.

            “Yes! Though I am sad that I did not get to see you when I got home,” she sulked.

            “I’m sorry, it’s just that I was with friends,” I tried to reason with her, but her pout wouldn’t go away. Suddenly, the commercial from yesterday started playing. I noticed, because the upbeat music suddenly played.

            “Ah!” Karen exclaimed, she was clearly excited. Her eyes beamed and her face lit up, by just seeing the New Girl. I suddenly got curious, as she seems to be famous with young girls around Karen’s age.

            “Say… Karen, do you know her?” I asked, silently. Staring blankly at the TV screen.

            “What? Kenny, don’t you know her? She’s the coolest model ever! She’s my idol, after Mysterion.” She quipped excitedly.

            “Oh, it’s just that I don’t watch TV a lot.” I tried defending myself, but I just saw her mischievously grin. And I let it go, and I watched her act all excitedly at the New Girl.

When suddenly, I got a new idea! Since Karen love the New Girl so much, and the New Girl goes to my class, I can ask her for a favour of meeting Karen. I started smiling over the thought of Karen being all flushed and excited over seeing her idol.

            “…Say, Karen. What if you meet this girl?” I asked, with the calmest voice I could.

            “I would die of exhaustion, star struck!” She beamed while shaking the doll up and down, while slightly jumping up and down of the sofa.

            “I see…” I then calmly stood up, patted her head, and went and got dressed.

As I entered my room again, I looked for my trousers. I am still clearly very disorientated, especially since I died. Again. But I’m not complaining. I found my pants under the computer desk, with even more mice shit that yesterday. It smells like crap. I was visibly revolted. I wondered if there was time to wash it and dry it- Or I could just wash it and let it dry as the day goes by. I looked at the time, and originally, I’m supposed to be out of the door by now.

I just decided to wash it anyway, because, today I’m talking to the New Girl because I want to make Karen happy; and judging by her personality, she seems like the type who would say yes.

I went to the bathroom, and took some soap on the mice shit stains, and began scrubbing until I heard a loud knock on the bathroom door.

            “KENNY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?! YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE!” My mom shouted, obviously pissed.

            “Dad can drive me to school,”

            “No, he can’t! He’s passed out.” She said nonchalantly.

            “Then you drive me to school,”

            “No! I have to look after Karen today.”

I didn’t dare ask for any more things today. So, I just finished up my business and ran out of the door. My parka was left unzipped, and my hood was not up and around my face. Man, it sure is cold today, to be running out shirtless with an open parka. But I couldn’t afford to be late.

 

And yet, here I am late anyway. I slammed open the classroom door. Everyone was staring at me with shocked eyes, because my hair was all over the place, I don’t have a shirt on, plus, my parka is wide open. Oh wait, they’re more shocked that I don’t have my hood on probably.

            “Kenny, please, zip up your parka.” Mr. Garrison face palmed.

            “Yeah, yeah.” I said while walking to my seat. I tried zipping up parka, but it got stuck, so I tried even more as I sat down. I was about to pull up my hood, when Mr. Garrison just stared at me, intensely.

            “What?” I asked. Clearly in a rude manner.

            “You came to class late, with your chest bare to the whole class, and most importantly; you didn’t have your hood on. Do everyone a favour and leave it off, we can understand you easier this way, for God’s sake.” Mr. Garrison went on and on after this.

At the corner of my eye, I could see the New Girl looking at me, with a slight worried look on her face. I mean, who wouldn’t be, after just leaving her yesterday. But even so, I have to ask her for this favour. For Karen.

But I dare not ask now, in front of everyone. Specially not that until just now I’ve been the focus of attention. So, I sleep out the classes until the 3rd period. The teachers won’t care, for they are already used to it. Mainly I sleep now so that I would have enough energy to focus for later, and one is so that I won’t get yelled at for staring at the New Girl.

 

I was just silently sleeping, and dreaming, of the day where I will finally die. But I know that it will never happen.

While in my deep slumber, I felt somebody aggressively shake my body. Irritated, I woke up with the sourest face I can pull- and stared at the person. My vision is very blurry, but as my eyes fixed themselves to adjust to the surroundings and the light; I saw Kyle.

            “Dude, wake the fuck up. It’s already lunch,” He said, gingerly.

            “Oh, I didn’t… notice the time,” I yawned.

I stood up, and started walking away from my desk. Kyle followed suit. As we exited the classroom, we were welcomed with the noise that only an elementary can have. It was very refreshing, it makes me forget.

            “Kenny, why did you enter class like that?” Kyle asked, clearly confused about the whole shirtless-morning thing. Honestly, I’m quite confused myself, because I could’ve just zipped up my parka while I was running, but I guess I was too lazy.

            “I don’t know,” I said nonchalantly. I continue to walk faster and faster until we were in front of the cafeteria doors. I kicked them open, resulting in Kyle looking at me with a scowl, and I heard him mutter “What was that for?” but I didn’t reply.

I looked around the packed cafeteria, and I saw the New Girl just sitting alone. But I dare not to sit with her, for I did not want to make a fool of myself any more.

While staring at her, I didn’t even feel Kyle pull me towards the table where Stan, Cartman and Butters’ were. While staring at her, I saw Wendy’s gang approach her. I was relieved. Finally, she won’t be alone.

I sat down, and just laid my head down on my arms. I just kept staring at her. I had nothing else better to do after all- I have no packed lunch nor do I have money to buy cafeteria food.

            “Say, Kenny. Do you want some of my lunch?” Butters’ offered with a smile. Butters’ always offers me some of his lunch, on some days I accept but I always pay him back. Sometimes, I let my pride get the best of me. Today wasn’t one of those days.

            “Sure, thanks a lot.” I feel like I should thank Butters’ more, for me...he’s the nicest person I know.

            “No problem! Here, you can have this sandwich.” He smiled. I thanked him once again, and then continued eating,

            “WOW KENNI, you’re so poor to the point where you can’t even buy your own lunch!” Cartman heckled. I ignored him.

            “Shut up fatass!” Kyle said in my defence. And so, the fight between them just skyrocketed from there. I always manage to ignore it now, for I am used to it.

I was just staring at the New Girl, looking at her talk to Wendy. She’s smiling and laughing, though somehow, she looks sad.

 

Lunch ended, and now every student is on their way back to the classroom. I stayed behind a little bit, because I wanted to relax in the cafeteria before going back to the hectic classroom. As it turns out, the New Girl also stayed behind. Looking at me, intensely.

She started walking towards me, I got all nervous. With every step she took, I was nervous. But the whole way she was walking towards me, we kept eye contact. I couldn’t break away. Despite having my head down to my arms, I kept my eye contact, I… was perpetually tapped in her gaze.

She stopped in front of me. I was still staring back at her, but her gaze at me was way softer. Like she was expecting me to say something. But I never did. So she took the initiative.

            “Kenny… right?” She asked, with a soft look.  For a time, I wondered if I should even answer back. Because it was almost time for class, but I didn’t dare run away from this intimacy that we share right now. But I gave up my façade, and answered.

            “…Yeah?” though it took me awhile, I finally answered back. With the softest voice that I could muster. It took her awhile to answer, for both of us couldn’t look away from each other’s eyes. Maybe, my eyes are worth look at after all, these eyes… that I figured to be the plainest eyes in the world… no doubt, falls flat against hers.

            “We’re going to be late for class, let’s go.” She urged, with a smile. She grabbed my hand. My heart was about to give up on me, though I grabbed back.

My head was still down at my one arm, but I was grabbing her hand, just admiring it. She looked kind of shocked, a small blush forming in her face. As she stared me staring at her hands, she grabbed hold of it, a bit tighter… She opens her mouth to say something.

Then I let go. And ran away. Again. I couldn’t bear to hear what she has to say anymore.

So, I left her there, in the cafeteria all alone.

 


End file.
